People I Will Never Hire
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(Hint: about 25% of the population)
I firmly believe that my discipline of Technology is a “meritocracy”. Recently, I heard the term “mirroracracy” wherein you try to hire people who most look like you, or otherwise reflect your values, etc. You do this under the guise that they are the most qualified, when really you are just flattering yourself thinking you (the manager) represent the best candidate.
Yeah, I get that.
I’ve had some very diverse teams over the years. No one, and I mean NO ONE will ever tell an employee of mine, “you were just hired because you are _____ [fill in the blank with the checkbox of your choice].”
I’ve also had very non-diverse teams because, well, they were the most qualified.
But… are there situation where I will forego hiring one who is clearly the most qualified?
Yes. Here they are, in no particular order
People Who Don’t Brush Their Teeth
(See the first picture. I couldn’t bring myself to actually post one, because “ew”.)
I’m sorry, but if I can’t trust you to take the simplest of steps to take care of yourself, then I’m not going to hire you to take care of my stuff. I’m not talking about “bad teeth” or “ugly teeth”. I’m talking about someone who neglects their teeth.
Do you have a mouthful of cavities and horrible teeth? Were you a hockey or rugby player? That’s fine. Whatever you have of your teeth, take care of them and we’ll be all right. It’s never too late to start.
Smokers
Quick story for you: I was sitting at my cubicle some 22 years ago when this young lady walked past me, and sat down at the next cubicle over. She had just come from outside, and the reek of smoke when she walked by was strong.
She was healthy and a bicycle rider, so this shocked me. In a moment of “I forgot to take my meds,” I peeked over the partition and said, “I didn’t realize you smoked.”
She looked at me with a puzzled look, and said, “I don’t. Why would you say that?”
“When you walked by, I could smell the smoke. My apologies,” and I slunk down into my chair, embarrassed.
A few minutes later, she got up and left. Once she vacated, the person who sat next to her on the other side (we’ll call him “David” because he prefers that to “Dave”) came up to my desk and said, “did you really smell smoke when she walked by?”
“Yeah,” I said. “It was pretty obvious, so I don’t know what to think.”
“Actually,” David said sheepishly, “that was me. When she walked in from this side, I had just come in from my smoking break. You could really smell it over here?”
I’m always amazed that smokers don’t realize that they stink up elevators for a full 5 minutes after they’ve left.
You can smell them at stoplights.
You can smell them taking a break outside of the stores they work at.
Their cars, houses and anything they sell at flea markets, church auctions and garage sales stinks.
When we go to your houses, we wear special clothes because we will have to clean them right away. Probably not our favorite clothes, in case the smell doesn’t come out.
The Christmas presents you give are also quarantines when you aren’t looking.
When I meet someone who smokes, anyone at all, my first thought is, “wow, you made a shitty decision in your life and you put it out there for everyone to know that you made a shitty decision.”
I mean, come on, we all make mistakes, but some of us choose mistakes which we know when we choose them that we will be enslaved likely for the rest of our lives.
I can’t trust someone who makes those kind of mistakes.
A Recreational Marijuana User
For the most part, I’m talking about marijuana smokers (see the previous entry) but, really, I struggle with anyone who needs to escape like this. I understand medical marijuana, though I’d prefer it wasn’t smoked.
Recreational marijuana is the hallmark of a loser. Not that all of you losers are losers, but, you know…
Now, a good cocaine user is a different story.
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Though there is an element of tongue-in-cheek for all of the above, there is a serious message here. Whom would I hire?
Former Criminals
A key component of my Christian upbringing is a mindset of forgiveness. As an American I believe in the idea that once you pay for your crime, you are done (even if you are still a piece of shit).
It’s shameful how we treat felons after they’ve done their time. They still should have the right to vote, and unless the job is specifically in conflict with their crime they should be available to rejoin the workforce freely.
(Sorry, I’m not hiring a larcenist as a security guard, nor am I hiring a child abuser in a daycare center)
Did you commit a crime of passion? Yeah, I get that (and may even envy you a bit). Love can be…difficult. I’m not going to punish you any more. If you’re qualified, you’re hired.
And, in any event, I’m not hiring an aspiring politician for anything which requires intelligence, objectivity or rationalization. Whether trying to ban guns or abortions, it takes something “special” to be a politician, and that something special isn’t a good thing.
Wait… how did I get on this subject?
Oh, and I’d probably never hire myself. I’ve met me.
